FROM "TEIKU" TO "TIKKUN", PART III

In the previous two posts, I've discussed the idea that the way from being totally stuck to getting a true soul correction lies through accessing the fiftieth gate of wisdom. Reaching this gate means, so to speak, receiving a personal letter from Hashem containing all the advice a person can need at that point in time. This, of course, enables a person to move on and solve all their current life dilemmas. Furthermore, it is explained in the Breslov sources that the path to the fiftieth gate lies through doing hisbodedus and saying Tehillim.

I've been trying to work on this for a while already, but today I've realized that I had a very wrong expectation of what reaching this gate is all about. I was sure that this would mean finally understanding what I really want and which goals I would consider worth striving for. But this notion was no doubt influenced by the secular way of thinking, something along the lines of, "Just be yourself!" and "Do your own thing!"

Still, it is true that realizing what you really want in the depths of your heart is rated high enough in Breslov. Discovering this is, in part, what the practice of hisbodedus is all about. I would even say that it is akin to reaching the 45th gate, or even the 48th.

Yet the fiftieth gate is something totally different. It's all about surrender, all about being open to hear what Hashem has to say about your life and about the path you need to take. So it's no coincidence that the way to this gate is through saying Tehillim. This is not like some mysterious practice that magically whisks a person from where they used to be straight to the fiftieth gate. Not at all. Saying many chapters of Tehillim a day gradually but inevitably transforms a person's preoccupation with their own thoughts, ideas, and plans to becoming receptive to Hashem's Plan. Little by little, their head becomes filled with the many pesukim where Dovid HaMelech asks Hashem to lead him according to the way He sees fit, not according to Dovid's own understanding. Like in Chapter 25: "Let me know Your ways, Hashem; teach me Your paths. Guide me in Your truth and teach me." This process happens slowly, yet a person does realize after a while that a subtle yet significant change has taken place.

Of course, I'm speaking from my own experience. When I first started saying Tehillim every day, I was thrilled to discover that very soon I indeed started to realize what it was that I truly wanted and which goals I would be truly motivated to work on. Yet all along, I kept getting signs that my reality wasn't exactly conducive to my attaining those desires and working on those goals. So very soon my initial excitement gave way to frustration and irritation.

Baruch Hashem, now I've realized what I was doing wrong. Now I'm open and receptive, waiting patiently to reach this fiftieth gate in order to understand - not what I really want but which path Hashem wants me to take. And while it's true that I'm still waiting, at least now I finally know what I'm waiting for.

P. S. I've realized that all this talk about reaching the fiftieth gate of wisdom may seem preposterous and unfounded, to say the least. Yet I think of it as reaching the fiftieth gate of my own wisdom, where I finally manage to quieten the static of ego so as to hear and feel deep inside what direction Hashem wants me to take and what next step He wants me to make. And this is exactly where doing a lot hisbodedus and saying many chapters of Tehillim is supposed to lead.