HH
Shivchay Huran
17-19
17. He also said, that the conjugation of the true tzadik is a very difficult matter for him; and not only does he not have any desire whatsoever, just on the contrary, he has suffering from this, mamash (-literally) like the suffering of an infant during circumcision, because mamash suffering such as this the tzadik has during conjugation, and more than this, because the infant doesn't have intellect, therefore his suffering is not so great, but the tzadik who does have intellect, his suffering is greater then the infant, and this was an obvious matter by him. And he said, that every person can merit to come to this level, and it was apparent from his words that his own holiness was yet very extremely higher.
18. And he said, that by him a man and a woman are equal, that is, that no facet of thought occurs to him when he sees a woman, just everything is the same by him in his eyes, as if he sees a man. And one time he said, that he has no fear, not from a woman and not from an angel. And with this there's a lot to explain, because someone who still has any facet of fear whatsoever from thoughts of women, even if he is chaste in this regard, just that he's not immaculate in the utmost purity, and he still has some fear at all with this, he needs to fear from an angel; but he (Rabbainu) boasted that he has absolutely no fear of this, therefore he has no fear of an angel. This is slightly alluded to in the words of our Rabbis of blessed memory (Kedushin 81a): "I am flesh, and you are fire - but I am better/stronger than you," which Rav Amram Chasiduh said to the angel, and it is brought down in his words of blessed memory in the Torah-teaching "Tikoo (blast the shofar) - memshalu (dominion)" Torah 1 in the second volume of Likutay Moharan, see there well, and understand.
19. He was also very accustomed in his early childhood and in his youth to run over all the time to be by the grave of the Baal Shem Tov za.tza.viku.l. to request of him that he help him draw close to Hashem Yisburach. And he used to go there at night, and in the winter when it was extremely cold he would go there at night and from there he returned and went to the mikvah. And there was a mikva outside the bathhouse and one mikvah inside the bath house, and he chose the mikvah that was outside the bathhouse, when the cold was great and he was already very cold from being by the aforementioned grave, because there was a great distance between his house and the cemetery and also from the cemetery to the mikva, besides for the lengthy stay that he spent by the grave, even still after all this he would specifically go to immerse in the mikvah which stood outside, in order to mortify himself - and all of this secretly at night. And I heard from someone who said that he heard from his holy mouth, that when he performed these practices he was just six years old.
And he was so secretive from people in his devotions, to the extent that one time he went to the mikvah in the morning in the winter, and he came from the immersion, and his pehyos (sidelocks) were wet from the water, and everyone wondered at the oddity that in the winter a person would wash his head, because it did not occur to them that he had been in the mikvah, they just thought that he washed his head, and they wondered at his peculiarity that he washed his head in such cold, and they held it to be an act of his immaturity, because he was very, very secretive in his devotion. Also all the very many fasts that he fasted, absolutely no one in the world knew about them, even his father and his mother and his relatives, just his wife alone knew of it, and he would swear her that she should not reveal it to anyone, and he would do many (many) ruses to hide and to conceal all the fasting that he fasted, in such a way that no one would know of them.
Na Nach Nachma Nachman Meuman!
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