HH
Shivchay HuRan
Part 2
33.
And after all of this, after he did all the aforementioned devotions with truth and wholeheartedness, and he abounded in fasts and in prayers a very great deal, and in mortifications, and breaking (bodily) desires and vices, and withstood many tests, and all the other aforementioned matters, and he abounded very extremely in hisbodidus - to converse between himself and his Maker -and to express himself in Yiddish (-i.e. his vernacular) etc. as mentioned above, until he merited to a very extremely lofty and supernal level in the utmost of holiness and in the utmost of abnegation and drawing close to Hashem Yisburach, in the level of the greatest of the binay aleyuh (-men of ascent, i.e. who ascend to very high and even Divine paradigms in their devotion to HY). And all of this he merited in his very childhood, because he did not rest at day and did not sleep nor was he passive at night. And he was extremely diligent in his devotion from day to day from the beginning of his childhood and the days of his youth. And he toiled and labored arduously from day to day, until he merited in his very youth to all that was mentioned above, to lofty and awesome holiness and very enormous hasaga (-spiritual conception) etc. in the level of greatest binay aleyuh.
And after he merited to all this, even still he wasn't placated with this, and he did not allow himself to stand. Just, even afterwards, everyday and every hour he longed, and yearned, and pined for Hashem Yisburach as if he did not start yet whatsoever with any devotion in the world. Even after he came from the Land of Israel and merited there to very extremely high and lofty hasaga (-spiritual conception) which is utterly unfathomable, even still from the day that he came from the Land of Israel until the day that he passed away in peace (to) very high above, he always had yearning and longing etc. for Hashem Yisburach as if he still had not started whatsoever.
And to speak of this matter vast folios would not suffice, even what we merited to understand a little of this matter according to what we heard from his holy mouth and we saw with our eyes. Because it was his way every time that he would yearn for Hashem Yisburach, and he was truly lowly in his own eyes, and he had great compassion on himself as if he had still not smelled ever any fragrance of the service of Hashem, and as if he still had not started whatsoever.
And in reality even someone who transgressed the whole entire Torah, Heaven forbid, many, many times, and when this person is aroused in true repentance, at which time (certainly) he certainly has a very broken heart when he looks upon himself where he is in the world, and he has very great compassion on himself with great meekness etc., and there's no need to elaborate on this, on a matter understood of itself, even still, even this compassion and broken heart of the aforementioned baal teshuva (-person repenting), does not reach a thousandth or one ten thousandth of the great compassion and broken heart in great meekness etc. that Rabbainu o.b.m. had, each and every time before he came to some hasaga (-spiritual conception).
And in short, (that) he never rested nor was he still even in the days of his greatness. Even though he had already merited to what he merited, to conception of the Divine, on a very enormous and awesome lofty level, even still he did not suffice himself with this, and he toiled and labored at all times and all hours, and he took upon himself suffering, severe and bitter suffering which are almost unparalleled in this world, and he abounded in many prayers, and pleading, and entreaties, and supplications, and very extremely great and awesome yearning and longing, until he came to a higher hasaga and level. And afterwards, immediately when he merited this hasaga (and) then he was a happy a little. And sometimes we merited to hear from his mouth that he informed us that now he has come to know new things etc. and he was happy then a little. And afterwards, immediately when he merited this, afterwards he began again anew, And he forgot everything that transpired as if he still had not begun at all, and he returned and began anew as if he was starting to go and enter in the holiness of Israel (-a Jew). And sometimes we heard from his holy mouth explicitly that he said in an expression of longing and yearning: "How does one merit to be a Yehoodey (-a Jew)?" And he said this honestly and with great temeemus (-wholeheartedness, sincerity) as if he still did not begin at all. And so it was many times.
And he constantly went and rose from level to level. Even though he merited to extremely lofty and awesome levels high, high above etc., Even still he was never pacified with this at all, and immediately afterwards he would have a broken heart and he had great compassion on himself with great meekness etc. as mentioned above, until he merited to a higher level. And this was his way always until the end.
And many, many times it was his way that he said that now he does not know anything whatsoever, absolutely nothing. And sometimes he swore on this, that he truthfully knows nothing at all (see The Life of Our Leader Rabbi Nachman 215), even though on the previous day or the previous hour he revealed formidable ("ateekim" also connotes very well established in time (like 'antique'), principle, and esoteric) concepts, even still afterwards he said that he does not no anything. And in this matter he was a very extremely great novelty. And he said explicitly of himself that his Torah is a very great novelty, however, his "not knowing" is a phenomenally greater novelty. I.e. the aforementioned matter, that every time it was his way to say that now he does know at all, and see more about this elsewhere (see the next article #35, and see Words of Rabbi Nachman 3 - about the tachlis (ultimate extent or purpose) of knowledge is not knowing. And see The Life of Our Leader Rabbi Nachman 215 and 283).
Na Nach Nachma Nachman Meuman
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