HH
Shivchay Huran
14-16
14. And every single thing that he wanted to do in the devotion of Hashem was extremely difficult for him with all types of heaviness in the world. And at first it was very difficult for him to sit alone in a designated house for some consecutive hours to engage in the service of Hashem, and this matter was very difficult for him in the beginning. However, he of blessed memory would force himself exceedingly and he broke his desires, and he sat for many hours everyday in hisbodidus in a designated room. And similarly it was very extremely difficult for him the devotion that he had to do everyday, and it was so difficult for him to the extent that it was not at all possible to carry the yoke due to its great heaviness, that it was very extremely heavy and difficult for him, and just by this aitzu (remedy, recourse, scheme) he carried upon himself the yoke of the devotion, that is, that everyday he would think in his mind that he has nothing but this day alone, and he didn't look at the morrow or the future whatsoever, just as if he doesn't have but this day alone, and hence he was able to carry upon himself the yoke of the devotion of that day alone, because for one day alone a person can accept upon himself all types of devotions in the world, since it is only for one day alone, and when he finished the devotion of that day, then on the morrow he returned and accepted upon himself the devotion of that next day; and this is what he used to do always, that he would not think in his mind just that day alone, and through this he was able to carry upon himself the yoke of his devotion, which was extremely heavy upon him, and without this he was not able to bear it whatsoever since he abounded in the service of Hashem tremendously with many types of devotions every day, and everything with great labor and exertion and very great heaviness to the extent that it was not possible to carry upon himself such a yoke except through the aforementioned aitzu, that he would not think in his mind except that day alone as mentioned above.
15. And he was very very frequent with nedarim (-vows), that many times, when the day came he accepted upon himself with a vow the whole order of the devotion that he desired to do on that day, and afterwards even though it was extremely difficult for him he was forced to do it because of the vow, and he did this many many times. And similarly with all types of fences (-restrictions) and safeguards of abstinence from some (bodily) desire or some character trait, he was very frequent with vows many times, and many times he made an oath (shivoo-uh) binikeetas (while holding) chaifetz (an article - such as a Torah scroll, such an oath has much greater severity) over something, in order that he be strong to abstain from that thing that he wanted to abstain (himself from).
16. And the utter greatness of the magnitude of the virtue/high level of his holiness and breaking the general (bodily) desire, which includes all the bad desires, which is the s*xual desire, is impossible to explain or relate. And he said, that he had innumerable tests, but in reality it is not a test at all, because he said that this is not a desire whatsoever (t.n. this seems to be analogous to what Rabbainu says in Likutay Moharan volume 2 Torah-teaching 119 that perhaps there is "this world," but it doesn't seem so, see there, and see Sichos Huran article 50, this world is nothing etc. see there, and since Rabbainu revealed (Likutay Moharan 36) that the main test of this world is this desire, and here Rabbainu says that it is in fact not a desire at all, it comes out that this world is likewise). And he said, to whoever is just a true scholar, even a pagan, just because he is a true scholar, it is befitting that by him this desire is not considered a desire whatsoever. And he said, that whoever is knowledgeable in the science of dissection (of the body) and knows the order of the limbs of a person according to the science of dissection, it is fitting that he should be disgusted by this desire with the utmost disgust. And in the matter of the repulsiveness of this desire he spoke exorbitantly, a great deal of this matter which is impossible to explain because of forgetfulness, and the general upshot is - that he tremendously repulsed this desire in the utmost repulsion, to the extent that he decreed and said, that whoever is a bit of a true scholar, this desire is not considered a test whatsoever.
However, also before he merited to this, that this desire would be completely nullified and repulsed by him, also before this, also then he had many (many) great and very awesome tests in this desire which is impossible to explain in detail, because in his very youth, when the blood boils (-with hormones), he had many (many) innumerable great tests in this desire, that he had the ability to fulfill his desire and he was in very extremely great danger, but he was mighty strong and he surmounted his inclination and quashed his desire many (many) times, and even still he would not distance himself a second time to run from a test, just on the contrary, he desired tests, and he would pray to Hashem Yisburach to summon for him tests, because how is it possible for him to do a sin Heaven forbid and transgress the desire of Hashem Yisburach(?!), only if he would become crazy Heaven forbid at that time, but since he would have some sort of intellect (in the world) at the time of the test, certainly he would be able to withstand it according to the greatness of the strength of his heart that he was extremely strong in Hashem; and even still when he was confronted with the test, he was in very great danger, and he would scream to Hashem Yisburach profusely until he merited to surmount his inclination and to be saved, and even still he did not distance himself from a test another time, even though at the time of the test it was extremely difficult for him as mentioned above. And so it was many (many) times, extremely numerous to no measure, and Hashem Yisburach was to his succor, and he merited to surmount his inclination and to break the conflagration of the inferno of this general desire, and he was very, very extremely holy in abstinence from this desire with great abstinence and very great and awesome holiness.
And he said, that the bal duvur (-litigator, evil-inclination, Satan) wanted to leave him be with everything, just that he should acquiesce in one matter, but he said the opposite: that he would leave everything, just that matter he does not want to leave from breaking it, that is, that the bal duvur (-litigator...) was willing to leave him be to break all the (bodily) desires, just (on condition) that he acquiesce to him in one matter, that probably being the aforementioned general desire, for the main evil inclination is in this desire, but he of blessed memory, said the opposite - that he would leave everything without breaking it, just this desire he wants to break completely.
And so he was accustomed from the onset, that his entire aspiration and all his exertion was just to break at first this general desire, and he did not pay attention at all in the beginning to breaking the desire of eating, just on the contrary, at the beginning he would eat a very, very great deal, much more than other people, and he said that then he drew all the desires into the desire of eating, and afterwards he broke as well this desire of eating. And he had many types of exertions, and devotions, and battles, and tests innumerable before he broke the aforementioned general desire, and many (many) prayers, and beseeching, and crying, and talks that he prayed and beseeched and poured out his heart before Hashem Yisburach in many (many) types of beseechings, and appeasements, and conciliations that Hashem Yisburach should be to his aid to be saved from this desire, until he merited to withstand all the tests, and he sanctified himself immensely with the abstinence of this desire to no calculable measure or estimation, until he merited to break this desire completely, to the extent that it was wondrous by him someone who considered it hard to break this desire, because he said, that this is not a desire at all, and he would abound to speak about this matter, in the matter of nullifying and repulsing this desire.
And he said, that it is impossible to speak of this with people that are already coarse in this matter, because their blood is already so mixed up to the extent that their mind is mixed up until they cannot understand at all, and it does not enter their heart whatsoever that it is possible to repulse this desire, therefore it is impossible to speak of this a lot. However, in reality, whoever is a bit of a true scholar, can easily repulse this desire completely, because he said, that this is not a test whatsoever for someone who is just a true scholar as mentioned above. And he said, that there must be in all of this a secret, because in reality it is not a desire whatsoever. And he boasted of himself profusely of his great strength in breaking this desire, and he was very immensely and awesomely holy in this matter, and he said of himself, that he has no (bodily) desire whatsoever, and he said, that by him male and female are equal, that is, that he does not have any battle brought on by any manner of (desirous) thought when he sees or when he speaks with a woman, because everything is the same by him.
Na Nach Nachma Nachman Meuman
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