הצלחה בהתבודדות

 ב"ה

הצלחה בהתבודדות על ידי שצף קצף דיבורי כיסופים

בסיפור ההתקרבות סבא סיפר איך שמצא ספר השתפכות הנפש והתחיל לעשות התבודדות וז"ל וראיתי פעם הראשון בחיי שהכח של הספר הזה – איזה כח של התבודדות, זה הורג כל המשחיתים, כל המזיקים, כל מיני מחלות רעות, כל מיני מעשים, כל מיני תאוות, ע"כ.

כאשר אני התחלתי לעשות התבודדות, לא ראיתי שום ישועות בזה ואדרבה אפילו בשעת ההתבודדות כמעט נהפך עלי לרעה, וכמו שהרחבתי כאן על הסכנות המעורבות בזה. אכן כאשר התחלתי להשתדל כמה דקות כל יום של כיסופין של קדושה (כמבואר בליקוטי מוהר"ן תורה לא, שעל ידי כיסופין דקדושה בכח ובפועל נתהוו נפשות שיוצאות ומתגלגלים בעולם ומחזירים העולם בתשובה, ומסורה בברסלב שזה אחד מהדרכים החזקים להביא את הגאולה) באמת ראיתי ישועות. ועיקר ההבדל הוא שטף קצף של דיבורים [ע' בשיחות הר"ן קכט מובא בהקדמה להשתפכות הנפש – אפילו כשנופלין לפעמים לתוך רפש וטיט שקשה לו מאד לצאת משם, צועקין וצועקין וצעוקין, ואמר בזה הלשון וכו' והגביה ידיו קצת ולא אמר יותר, ע"כ. צועקים וצועקים וצועקים! ובספר שבחי הר"ן י' – גם היה רגיל לפעמים לומר בתהלים רק הפסוקים המדברים מתחנות ובקשות וצעקה להשם יתברך, והיה אומר רק פסוקים אלו והשאר לא היה אומר. והיה אומר כל הפסוקים האלו מכל ספר תהלים בפעם אחד, ע"כ. ובספר אבניה ברזל, סיפורים מרבינו אות ט, איך שתלמיד מהמגיד הוכיח את רבינו על מה שנדמה שהוא מבטל זמנו וכו', ואחר כך נסע דרך היער ושמע קול צעקה, ויאמר להבעל עגלה שיטה אזנו, והטו אזניהם ושמעו שהוא קול אדם, והטה הוא אזנו יותר ושמע שזה קול תפלה. וירד האיש מן העגלה והלך אחר הקול, ובא עד מקום רבנו זצוק"ל ומצאו מעטף בטלית ותפלין וצועק בקולי קולות עד לב השמים, וסביבו היה כמו נהר מן הדמעות והבכיות, והתפלל הללויות בפסוקי דזמרה, ונתבהל מאד, ע"כ. ועד סוף ימיו מצאו את רבינו שוכב על הארץ בפישוט ידים ורגלים בוכה להשם יתברך. ויש כמה סיפורים מסבא גם שסיפר על עצמו איך היה צועק בקולי קולות עד לב השמים. ופעם ביום כיפור אצל רשב"י היה צועק בכל כוחו שעות על שעות, קולות משונות מרוב התאמצות, עד שהתעלף וקיבל דלקת ריאות ר"ל, וסבל מזה כל ימי חייו. ושלמה קרלבך היה מספר כמדומני מר' אשר מסטולין ששאל את אביו ר' אהרן מקרלין, אם אדם מתפלל וצועק ומתחנן כאילו חרב חדה מונחת על צוארו, האם זה מספיק, וענה לו בודאי – להתחלה, אבל בהמשך צריך הרבה יותר), והבנתי שעד אז כל ההתבודדות היתה יותר מדי עצלות וחכמות. כי רבינו חיזק אותנו שלפעמים האדם אינו יכול לפתוח פיו – ולכן כבר היה לי רשות לא לדבר כל כך. ורבינו גילה שהדיבורים הם נשלחים מהשם יתברך והם בחינת רוח הקודש, אז כבר רציתי חכמות. ורק כאשר באתי לקיים הענין להוציא בפה הכיסופין שבכח, והייתי צריך לדבר הרבה בלי הפסקה, שכל מילה הולך בעולם להחזיר בתשובה וכו', רק אז התחלתי לטעום המכוון. [ודברי רבינו הנ"ל בודאי נצרכים מאד בפני עצמן, עד שהאדם יזכה וידע להתגבר בדיבורים, וכן שייכים לאיש שבאמת מרגיש עצמו עומד לפני השם יתברך, וכל כולו תפוס בהשם יתברך, מה שעוד לא זכיתי כל כך, והעצלות מתגבר ונשארים בלי כלום].

ושים על לבך שאנחנו מאמינים שהשם יתברך ממלא כל עלמין וסובב כל עלמין, והוא יתברך תכלית הטוב. ואיך לא נצעק עד שנדעהו. משל למה הדבר דומה, חבר מתקשר אליך ואומר שהוא רואה אותך דרך איזה מצלמה, והוא רואה שממש לידך יש אבנים טובות יקרות מאד, ואתה בטוח שהוא לא משחק איתך, הלוא תשתגע עד שתמצא אותם [ועיין חיי מוהר"ן רצה – והלא אני אוצר של יראת שמים ומדוע לא יהיו להוטים ורצים אחרי לקבלו. ושאלו אותו איך אפשר לקבל והשיב עם הפה והלב צריכין לחתר ולבקש].

לצייר שם הוי"ה לפניך, וכן שאר השמות כפי היכולת. ויש לשלב את שמך הפרטי כחלק מהשכינה ושם אדנ"י.

בליקוטי מוהר"ן תורה כב מבואר ז"ל תכף שמתעורר קול דקדשה הם מתעוררים תכף ומתחילין לצעק ולקטרג נגדו וזהו קול ההברה שיוצא מקול הקדשה וכו' עיין שם. ולכן אחר שצועקים להשם יתברך, כדאי לסיים עם בקשה להנצל מקול ההברה.

וכדי להוציא שטף קצף של כיסופים, הנה כמה ביטוים שיש לחזור עליהם כמה שיותר:

Say repeatedly with conviction, scream as much as possible even if only in the mind (as Rabbainu explained elsewhere) work yourself into a frenzy (see Sichos Huran 74).

אבא רחמנא, רבונו של עולם. אבי שבשמים, מלך מלכי המלכים, אבי ומלכי, ממלא כל עלמין וסובב כל עלמין באהבתך ברחמיך ובחסדיך הרבים והעצומים האדירים הנצחים, בורא הכל יש מאין כל רגע, לית אתר פנוי מיניה ומאהבתך ומרחמיך וחסדיך הרבים והעצומים הנצחים.

מל את לבבי לאהבה וליראה את שמך, יחד לבבי לאהבה וליראה את שמך. Breakthrough to me…

תן אתה, תן לי אתה לאהבה וליראה את שמך, ולדעת את שמך, ולדבקה בך, ולהתבטל אליך, בכל לבבי ובכל נפשי ומאודי, עד אין סוף ותכלית. לעד ולנצח נצחים.

חנני. חוס עלי, רחם עלי, חמול עלי, הצל אותי, והושיע. פדני, גואלני, קדשני, טהרני, קרבני, למדני כי אתה אלהי ישעי אותך קויתי כל היום. מתי תבואה אלי.

ראה בעניי... הצל לקוחים למות (רוחני).

אנא בריה קלה שבים, מלמעלה מכל העולמות, המה היוצרים ישבי נטעים עם המלך במלאכתו, בתחילת המחשבה, ממני נמלך ונתיעץ בבריאת עולמו, והשתא אזלינא לפמא דלויתן... איה מקום כבודו. איה קדשתי.

רחם על נפשי רוחי ונשמתי, על גופי ואברי ובשרי ועצמי. בטרם אלך ואינני.quickly, before it’s too late, before it’s all over.

נפשי בכפי.

הנשמה לך והגוף פעלך חוסה על עמלך (סליחות).

אנא כנה, עורי נא, התעוררי נא, עמדי נא, התיצבי נא, קומי נא, חלי נא, בעד הנפש חני נא, פני דר עליון (יוצר ליום הכיפורים, ועיין ליקוטי תפילות ס).

אל תעזבני, ואל תטשני, ואל תשכחני, ואל תזנחני, אל תסתר פניך ממני, אל תתעלם ממני, אל תדיחני, אל תרחיקני, אל תרחק ממני -

Not for a second, not for an instant, not for a bechina, not for anything

אתה ה' לא תכלא רחמיך ממני (חסדך ואמתך תמיד יצרוני – תהלים מ:יב) – don’t shut me off from You

חושה לעזרתי. מהר להצילני. ענני. אל תעמוד מנגד.

אל תבישני משברי (תהלים קיט:קטז)

I need You (when saying multiple times, best to drop the I), I need You so much, I want You so much.

I’m screaming to/for You, I’m begging You, crying, pleading, I’m imploring. Desperate. Craving, longing, yearning. Thirsting, hungry, starving for You. Now, quickly, hurry.

Have mercy and pity and compassion on me.  Won’t You have mercy… [You have to have mercy…].

I need to feel You loving me, to feel Your love…

To love You…. With all my heart, with all my soul, with all my being, with everything I got. To fear You. To surrender to You completely, to give myself over to You completely, to be completely Yours. To fill my whole consciousness with You. To be with You more and more, closer and closer, deeper and deeper, mamash in Your presence – נוכח פני השם. In awe, fear, trepidation, shame and embarrassment, of all my failings, shortcomings and inadequacy - קטנות, and utter ignorance of Torah, and bitul Torah on top of everything, and love, burning love and desire for You.

To fill all my limbs and veins and arteries and bones and flesh and all my senses with awareness of You, with love for You, with fear and trepidation of You, with awe from You, with התפארות בך, with התבטלות אליך.

Duch and duch – through and through.

To be consumed with love for You, infatuated, engulfed.

To bask in Your love.

על מה שוא בראתני (ע"פ תהלים פט:מח) –  if not - To know You intimately, passionately. Desire You.

To You, with You, for You, from You, by You. Engulfed, immersed, surrounded, engrossed in You, possessed by You. Wrapped up.

I need to feel You beating in my heart, pulsing and coursing through my veins and arteries, I need to feel You in my lungs on my tongue on my lips on my breath, I need to taste You, and hear You, smell You, and feel You, more and more…

I don’t want to be without You anymore. Don’t leave me to stagnate like this bereft, cut off, from You. I’m helpless without You. You are everything. Life itself.

Don’t forsake, abandon, desert, ignore, reject me. Don’t turn me away, don’t turn away from me. Pick me up. פנה אלי וחנני...

Please… Rescue, help, save, redeem, fix, me.

Cleanse me from all the disgusting things I thought and did, from all my sins שחטאתי שעויתי ושפשעתי לפניך,

return me בתשובה שלמה לפניך

heal me, fix me to be נאמן לפניך, קדשני טהרני.....

I’m still here, waiting for You, hoping for You – לך ה' קויתי, חיכיתי, איחל, אצפה.... 

נ נח נחמ נחמן מאומן

The Praises of Rabbi Nachman - part 2 - His Voyage to Israel 21

HH

Shivchay Huran

Part 2

21. And in the morning soldiers called brand vach (- the given translation is that it is something similar to border patrol. Vach is Yiddish for guards (-coast guards?), and brand in Yiddish usually means burning, so perhaps it is an elite, attack, or active division, or perhaps the word is frund, which is like front. Subsequently someone learned in Yiddish has suggested that a brandvach would be a fire brigade to prevent or extinguish fires, this seems the most plausible especially in context) bordered the boat. And Rabbainu o.b.m. and the aforementioned man that was with him wanted yet to come and fall before the feet of the captain and plead to him that he should let them return to the shore. However, in the meantime they weighed anchor, and they fled out of fright in the direction which the wind took them, because the war had aroused promptly and their (-its) hubbub was heard profoundly, and they heard there on the boat the tremendous bellowing of the harmatas (-cannons) and the bombs (-the Ukrainian word is provided here, which is similar enough to the English) and other such noises related to war, because their clamor was heard to a very far distance. And the greatness of the danger, and the fright, and the fear that they had then is immeasurable. And both of them together fell bedridden. And they did not even have water to drink because they did not prepare anything for themselves as mentioned previously. And Hashem, in His abundant mercies and kindnesses gave them favor in the eyes of one Ishmaelite who was the kecher (-cook, in Yiddish) by the captain, and he secretly pilfered and gave them one shawl (-cup  (see commentators on Isaiah 40:12), in Yiddish, especially-) of coffee, for each of them, in the morning and in the evening.

And because of their weakness they were laid up on sickbed may the Merciful One save us, and they did not know for themselves where they were, because they were closed off in their room, bedridden. However, this they heard, that there was a storm wind that carried the boat and/but they did not know to where it had carried them. When they heard that the boat had reached some shore, they went out of the rooms to see the place where they had arrived, and they saw that it was not Istanbul. And they asked the aforementioned Ishmaelite, and he said that this country was called "Adal" (- Asia Minor - Western Turkey, is called Anatolia. One of the largest cities on its southern coast of the Mediterranean is Antalya which was originally  "Attaleia," named after its founder Attalos II, king of Pergamon. This name, still in use in Greek, was later evolved in Turkish as Adalia (-In Megillas Esther 9:8 Adalia is listed as one of the ten sons of Haman) and then Antalya. This is probably the Adal referred to here. It is interesting to note that Rabbainu's grandmother, the daughter of the Baal Shem Tov was named Odel as was Rabbainu's oldest daughter (who was approximately 11 years old then). Adal is also a permutation of A.L.D. one of the 72 Divine Names. See also Bava Basra 16b where adli means progression and lifting).

And they (Rabbainu and his companion) had already heard about their practice, that when a Jew came to their hands, the first "mitzvah" by them is to sacrifice him as an offering, so when they heard that this is Adal, they immediately went to their room, and they closed the door after them, and they hid themselves there. And they were beset with great fear. And the boat stood there for three days, and it was possible (that) the captain intended (- t.n. the original allows for either understanding, i.e. a. The captain in fact had intended to carry out this possibility. B. It is possible that the captain entertained carrying out such a possibility) to stay there longer, but (for) suddenly a storm wind arose, and the ropes of the anchor were severed, and the anchor was left in the sea, and the boat went on its own accord from there. And there was a great shouting there between the Ishmaelites: "haman haman (t.n. the translation supplied here by the publisher is: help help. However the closest similar word in any Turkish dialect that I was able to find was "amra (save, rescue)," which doesn't quite cut it. It is in fact strange that the publisher chose to translate it as such when Rabbi Nussun himself immediately supplied the translation as givald which is not a cry for help, at least not directly. There is a word in some Turkish dialects for "bad" - "aman," with slight variations in other Turkish dialects, and this "bad" could very well be the equivalent of the Yiddish exclamation"givald," and it most resembles the word haman presented here. Before finding this word I came across other possibilities, such as "umun," in the Dolgan and Yakut Turkish Dialects with slight variations in the others, which means to forget, and might therefore also imply to be forgotten, lost, and despair (the word for hope is quite similar - umut), and a third more remote possibility is the Karachi verb for fear (with slight variations in the other dialects) - emen. Being that all these possibilities are the same consonants just with different vowels not even very distinctive, chances are that these words convey and insinuate a little of each), i.e. givald (-a Yiddish exclamation of woe or amazement). And the boat was pitched about frantically in the sea the whole night until daybreak, (and) the storm wind subsided, "And they rejoiced because/when they (-strong winds and waves) abated (Psalms 107:26)." However, it didn't take them to their desired destination (-in contradistinction to the verses of the aforementioned Psalms), rather by the storm wind they returned and came close to Akko by approximately a day's worth of travel.

And afterwards, after midday, their arose again a great storm winds, and it carried the boat. And the boat pitched about frantically and recklessly for many consecutive days and nights, "they rose (to the) heavens (and) descended (to the) depths (Psalms 107:26)," and the masters of the boat did not have any aitzuh (-remedy, recourse) how to escape. "And they were smashed/reeled and staggered like a drunk, all their skills smothered (Psalms 107:27)." And on Thursday at 12 o'clock they started to remove water from the boat, from the third level, with pumps ("plumpin") as boat owners do. And the way they do it is to remove the water for fifteen minutes for every elapse of twenty four hours. But now, when they began to pump, they didn't suffice pumping until night time came, and abundant water accumulated on the boat due to the pumping, and the water went also to their room, of Rabbainu o.b.m., and they were not able to lie on the bed there because the waters had risen there, and Rabbainu was forced to ascend to some higher place to lie down, and the man that was with him ascended to a different place, because they did not want to go out to be seen before the Ishmaelites. And the water on the boat went and became more and more plentiful all the time until the Ishmaelites were compelled to do away with the pumps, and they made a bucket brigade, and they drew the water by hand with large vessels. And the storm went on very fiercely. And from the great intensity of the storm wind the waves rose almost to the heart of the sky, and they were like huge mountains and great valleys. And it was like that the whole night as well.

And when it became daylight, the man that was with him o.b.m. came, and Rabbainu o.b.m. said to him that he has severe weakness of heart from the great fear, "Because I see (-understand) in my heart that I am now in great danger, because this is not a simple matter, even though I do not know what they are doing even still the heart sees." And the aforementioned man negated (to him), and said to him: "Do not fear (-respectful plural) because Baruch Hashem everything is in check."

And the aforementioned men went to look in the hamber (-deck, this word is actually found in the Talmud, Kedushin 70b, however in The Life of Our Leader Rabbi Nachman 221 it says that they prayed in the hamber of the house, and the translation given there is terrace) where they were pumping the water, and he saw that there were already small waves there like on our rivers, because the boat had become laden just with water. Because the method of the boats is to be loaded up with two thirds cargo, and the Ishmaelites had already discarded all the cargo, and the boat remained laden with water alone. And the surplus water in excess of the allotted weight for cargo on the boat, this water they pumped out, and even this they weren't sufficing to pump. It was then that the man saw that it was no longer possible by way of nature to be saved. And he came to the room, and because of the great anguish and fear he was almost not able to speak. And Rabbainu o.b.m. said to him: "What is this? And where is your mouth which said that this isn't anything, and now you yourself are so frightened?!" And he replied, that there is no longer any consideration according to nature to be saved, because the waters are going and accumulating in the boat, and they do not have the ability to pump all of it, because their strength of endurance had deteriorated. Because it was close to twenty four hours that they hadn't eaten, and hadn't drank, and hadn't seen sleep for their eyes.

And the man said to him that he still hadn't prayed. Rabbainu o.b.m. answered him: "You do not need to pray now, just accept the yoke of Heaven with the first verse (-of Shema), and say the first three and last three etc. (-abridgement of the Shemoaneh Esray - eighteen benedictions). And he (Rabbainu) said to him: "Take all the money, to the very last penny, and divide it in two. Half, tie by you on your body, and half, I will tie on my body." 

And the man asked him: "Why (do) this, behold the fish of the sea can swallow us without the money?"

He replied (to him): "Do so as I tell you. Israel was upon (-in) the sea and they didn't drown, whereas we are still in a boat etc.." 

And he did what he did. And he told the man to dress himself, and to gird himself with a belt over his tulep (-fancy overcoat with fine fur on the inside, and the fur rolled over onto the collar), and he did so as well, like someone prepared to embark on a journey.

And the man asked him, and said to him: "I don't even know how to pray even the prayer set/arranged by the Anshay (-men of) Kinnesses Hagedoaluh (-the Great Assembly - that is the standard daily prayers), certainly (not) now at this dire time. But kivoad Torusoa (-he who is honorable by virtue of his Torah) knows how to pray for the general and the particular, why do you (-respectful plural) not pray now?"

And he replied: "That now because of small moachin (-consciousness and acumen) I am distant from Hashem Yisburach. However, my recourse is faithful, because there is no alternative due to the great danger, that we are now in such terrible enormous danger, Hashem Yisburach knows that all the days of my life I never yet would have used the merit of my fathers, just due to necessity I am forced to request from Hashem Yisburach that He do this (-bring salvation) for the sake of the merit of my elder (-great grandfather) Rabbi Yisroel Baal Shem Tov o.b.m. and the merit of my grandmother Odel, and the merit of my grandfather Rabbi Nachman of Hordainke." And more than this he did not make further mention.

And afterwards they saw from a distance the likes of a large very dark cloud, and there fell upon them more great fear, because sometimes when a cloud gathers and connects to all water from the sea, the likes of a valley would be made there (-a waterspout), and when the boat descends there (then) it drowns there. And the remedy for this is to shoot with guns and harmatas (-cannons) like in war, in order to break up the clouds (-there was a commonly held belief among sailors in the 18th and 19th centuries that shooting a broadside cannon volley dispersed waterspouts). But they did not have spare time for this because they needed to pump the water from the boat as mentioned above, and the troubles were pitted against each other like a wasp to a scorpion (c.f. Talmud Chagiga 5a, the treatment for a bee sting is with heat, whereas the treatment for that of a scorpion is with cooling, therefore one who Gf is stung by both will be caught in conflicting troubles partnered against him). However, with the mercy of Hashem, due to the force of the storm wind the boat went with great speed, and the boat flew mamash like an arrow from a bow, and the boat came to that aforementioned place (-the waterspout) where the cloud drinks from. And it was like a gateway there surrounded by mountains, and the boat passed through from there safely.

And in the interim, Hashem enlightened their eyes, and they found the hole through which the water was entering the boat, and they slaughtered a goat, and they took its hide and fixed the boat, and they were saved safely from these great and terrible dangers. And this was on erev (-the day preceding) Shabbos Kodesh (-holy). And they had great happiness, and Rabbainu o.b.m. said then (Psalms 107 which is customarly said before the mincha (afternoon) services preceding Shabbos, this Psalm speaks of the four types of dangers one who is saved from them is required to give special thanks to Hashem, and it details some of the dangers of going out to sea, and how those who do so witness the greatness of Hashem), "Hoadoo (-give gratitude) LaHashem (-to Gd)" with great joy. From there they went by way of very many places. And their eating on the boat was just what the aforementioned kecher (-cook) gave them out of pity from their "magazine," "soochares" (-the Russian word for hardtack - сухарь) and worms were crawling on them. And they would go and beg and stretch out their hands humbly everyday like a pauper in the doorway, and he would give them from these hardtacks, and they ate this alone.

And when they brought to mind that it was close to Passover they had great distress, because they worried what they would do on Passover, because it is impossible to fast all the days of Passover. And after an hour or two they came to a big city which stands on a mountain of stones in the middle of the sea, and the Ishmaelites bought there many fruit, and for them they gave for one thaler many carobs which are called "bucksirin" (-to this day this is a popular name for carobs - bokser, Bocks-horn is the medieval German word for the fruit of the carob tree), approximately a chetvert (-this is a Russian measure (which means a quarter), which is enormous, and impossible to be the referent here even if it was considerably smaller back then it would still not be feasible, unless it is referring to the liquid measure which is approximately 1.537 liters or 93.75 cubic inches. The Hebrew publisher says the weight referred to here is approximately 3 kilograms), and Rabbainu o.b.m. said, "For the time being this is also very good, because it is possible to live the eight days of Passover with Carobs alone, however, if only Hashem Yisburach would merit us to fulfill the mitzvah of eating matzo and four cups (of wine).

Na Nach Nachma Nachman Meuman